Saturday, August 22, 2009

All Alone

Over the course of the last year I have gone from a guy who wants to drink and smoke, get drunk and party all night to one who has become totally clean and sober. I quit drinking on Christmas night, December 25, 2008. I was drunk and I knocked a beer over onto and on top of my laptop computer that I had owned less than a year. My entire collection of photography was on that computer with no back up. I was so angry with myself that I could almost cry. The entire previous year had been spent with me trying to improve as a photographer and here I was about to lose my entire collection of photographs all because of my drinking habit. I decided at that moment that I had enough. I haven't touched or wanted a beer or a drink since. I quit smoking marijuana later on in the year when I lost my job at the restaurant. I started applying for jobs and it seems like everywhere you go is now a drug free workplace that requires all employees to be screened for drugs, so I quit! I don't miss it at all. I don't need it. I don't want it and I wonder why it took me until I was almost fifty years old, to figure it out. I feel, in a way, like I have wasted most of my life, but that is NOT true!
I remember going to AA meetings and such, and the people who knew more than I would tell me that I was going to have to change my entire group of friends. I refused to believe them. I thought that I was powerful enough to quit everything and just still hang out with the same people and do the same things that I used to do, only difference being, I wouldn't drink or smoke. I was so wrong. I have had no problems staying clean and sober. I just seem to have a problem being with people who continue to use and drink. I no longer wish to be around these people, they are all so much different than I am now and we no longer have that "thing" in common. I go to the bar to sing karaoke like I always have and I just stand in the corner all by myself. I watch everyone else drink and smoke and smoke and drink and this is all they do. I feel so alone. I move around and try to talk to everyone and be the same person that I was, but I am not and I just don't enjoy doing it any longer.
I am now all alone. I am going to have to find a whole new set of friends that don't drink or smoke. I have no fear that I will be able to do this because I have never had any problems with finding friends. I do stuff that keeps me by myself most of the time now anyway. Photography keeps me occupied most of the time and that's a hobby that I do better by myself. I don't bother anyone and no one bothers me. I just feel all alone now. I don't really want to spend my time with these folks and they don't want to spend time with me. I thought for all of this time that we had more in common than our desire to get drunk or get stoned, now that I have no desire to do that any longer, I feel no connection to my former friends. I hope that I don't sound too cold but it's just the way I feel. Those folks at AA were right all along. I will be fine. I will not drink and I will not smoke. I also quit smoking cigarettes in January of 2007 but that has been no problem with my relationships. People refuse to believe or accept the influence of the alcohol and drugs upon their pysche and the way that they think about everything. They refuse to believe that their entire life is predicated by their use of these powerful drugs, I sure didn't. I am glad that I am clean and sober! The two best decisions I have ever made. I just have to think about my decisions in the future now.


  1. Well written old friend. You are on a new journey and I'm glad of it. Maybe since you have come to some new realizations, it might be time to go back to the AA groups...not that you need their help to stay clean but after all yo said that they were "right all along".

    I'm proud of you Mike, you have a lot of life left to live and those pages aren't written yet.


  2. I've followed this link from Flickr. Your new life is much better than the old life you have left behind, dont you just feel great when you wake up in the morning and not had a drink the night before? I bet you have more positive energy as well if your fantastic photo's are anything to go by. I know how difficult it is to change old habits and turn your life around, but you have, which is something you should be proud of. Dont think of your old life as a waste of time as you have learnt so much from it and maybe become a happier or contented person as a result.

    You must not think of yourself as alone, your new life will open up a world of new adventures and new people to meet. I've learnt never to say 'no' to anything and by doing so I have done things and gone to places I would never have wanted to in my old life.

    Oh please keep Butch and Buster so we can continue to see photo's of them!